When I rolled over all I saw was a sign for vacancy. That’s all I keep thinking when I wake up in the morning and stare at the untouched, perfectly tucked covers on the right side of my bed. There’s never been someone who sleeps there but recently in my life  it’s become an open wound.

Invitations to events where everyone else has someone on their arm. They never bothered me. I’ve always been comfortable arriving sans date.

I didn’t want one. I was busy being a bouncing firefly. A single dot of light flitting from flower to beanstalk to rusty park bench armrest. But then one day the firefly lifted her chin and noticed the stars and dreamt of creating a constellation. But how’s a single dot of light expected to do that?

Hormones are a strange beast. I’m only 25, but goodness knows that as of late I find myself thinking about settling down and having those babies, making that constellation with someone else. Adding to the frustration have been recent trippings and stumblings with men. My pride doesn’t do so well in the world of dating, and my walls have started to tumble a bit so men are more easily seeing the not-so-tough lady that I am which is scary. And let me tell you, from very recent experience, not getting that call back after what seemed like a few really lovely evenings out, well, it’s enough to make me want to close up again and pretend I can take on the world alone.

But the thing is, I think I’m finally feeling pangs of loneliness. I’m finally feeling mature enough to want to share my life. At 25 years old, I love love but have never been in love. At 25 years old, I’ve helped many a friend through the trials and tribulations of a relationship but never overcome any of my own. At 25 years old I am finding myself staring off into buzzing computer monitors, dirty windows and steamy bathroom mirrors, and for the first time feeling that void, feeling that tug of regret for only knowing what it’s like to roll over and only see an open copy of the book I’ve been trying to finish for the last three months.

And lets face it, seeing everyone I grew up with now on Facebook with their husbands and wives and children…it isn’t helping.

The Fringe Festival, The Festival Bar, The Akron/Family, overtime, …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, morning jogging, Sufjan Stevens, TEFL coursework, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, a boy who I picked up and then watched drop me like a bad habit, a new store, Spank Rock, clothing swaps, opening nights, New York City…

Yeah, I felt like I needed to just give a minor recap.

This weekend I started to reel it back in. With the onset of cooler weather a want to hibernate only makes the best sense. I’ve been watching films: Rachel Getting Married, Au Revoir Les Enfants; baking: bread, crustinis, cookies; doing laundry: 3 loads in one day and talking with my family: a phone call from mom, from Ali B and to Aunt Suz.

Tomorrow morning I’m going running with Arizona and then headed to the Italian Market to get the goods to make a beef stew and meet the lovely Miss May for coffee. I’m looking forward to all of these things. And to a weekend filled with apple picking, soccer and fall breezes.

Me and My kitty.

I have felt myself slipping through the rise and the fall but that’s what balance is all about.

]]> http://mandamck.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/balancing-act/feed/ 0 mandy4mck Ice cream breakfast in NYC Baking 101 Elliott and I http://mandamck.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/pandabare/ http://mandamck.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/pandabare/#comments Tue, 08 Sep 2009 01:51:58 +0000 mandy4mck http://mandamck.wordpress.com/?p=102 ]]> In a city where riots break out when we lose sporting events. And riots break out when we win them it is hard to imagine 800 people peacefully doing anything. I’ve had my fair share of disbelief in the kindness of this city. In the ability of Philadelphians to band together and do so without anyone being arrested, or worse, getting seriously hurt. But last night all bets were off.

Last night no arrests were made. Last night people joyously gathered in mass.

Starting at dusk over 800 people in varying degrees of undress and age traversed the distance of Center City to participate in the first Philadelphia Naked Bike Ride. All shapes, all sizes, all religions and all creeds hopped on the saddles of bicycles and banded together. Some were motivated to go naked to bring awareness to cycling, others to show their support of reducing their carbon footprint, others to promote healthy body image and some to just join in a fun evening of liberation in the bare!

It was something I’d been psyching myself up for and looking forward to for months. I first heard about the ride this spring. I knew I wanted to be a part of it but I was nervous about getting nakie-poo so I took the PNBR slogan to heart- “Bare as you Dare.” and decided I would use liquid latex to cover my chest and wear bikini bottoms. My dear friend AZ decided to bare it with me and so we bought some liquid latex and with the help of our lovely friends Miss D and Miss May we got ourselves all latexed-up for the ride.

Painting on the latex

When we pulled up to 25th and Locust I was amazed at all of the people who had decided to join in the evening. The event was a total success.

Bare as You Dare

We shut down Market Street Critical Mass style. We circled City Hall with the call and response of “Who’s Street?” “Our Street” reverberating off the city buildings. We filled the 5th Street Tunnel and as bikers moved forward waves of cheering rolled up the hill like a rush of water through a pipe. We watched as hundreds of people poured out of restaurants, bars and brownstones to cheer us on. Rare was the exclamation that was lewd or the stare that showed judgement. Parents held curious children while policemen ensured traffic did not harm any cyclists. The support of the unknowing Philadelphia public was almost as invigorating as the feel of the brisk late summer breeze on my basically bare body!

Young, Proud, Strong, Peaceful

Did I tell my mom? I sure did.

Did she freak out? No. She didn’t. In fact, I think I heard what might be called a hint of admiration in her voice as she asked me “Was it liberating?”

Unless you were out there, this is as much as you get!

Yes, momma, it was. Very much so. And it was peaceful, beautiful, exciting, motivating and encouraging too.

As I continue this movement through my life and try to learn and explore, it is such experiences that I am grateful to be a part of because even though the world so often wants us to think people will only continue to surprise us with their cruelty, if you open your eyes they also surprise us with their overwhelming support and LOVE.

Click here for a great photo set care of BH!

Full Coverage (actually quite the opposite) at The Philadelphia City Paper’s Staff Blog: THE CLOG.

At the end of the night, the warrior is finally de-masked

Across the top of both hands a vein pushed gently against the fleshy ceiling of skin and pulsed with each keystroke. Tap push. Tap push. The tips of my fingers engaged in the task of carefully chosen letters. The tips of my fingers and gently rotated tissues encouraging their soft curves to rise to the top.

With each movement of each finger the veins pushed and shimmied just below the surface. The skin not yet wrinkled and the fingernails not yet yellow but there, just out of reach, those veins danced. There they convulsed unintentionally disrupting a youth yet fully experienced.

To whom do these veins belong? Certainly not I. I am but a child with no understanding, with a soul too fresh to inhabit such learned rivers, such distinguished and present streams of consciousness.

To whom do these veins belong? Certainly not I. Am I not too green to possess ribbons colored so blue?

To whom do these veins belong? How has such a sapling been given roots so thick with wisdom that they push to the surface and display their gnarled sensitivity so openly, so simply, so completely without apology.

But this is not me, these veins I see. These veins encased in these hands of mine are not my possession. But there, just below the second knuckle of my left forefinger I see another gently floating up for all to see.

To whom do these veins belong? For they contain a wisdom I have certainly yet to become.

I stumbled upon this while doing some Twitter things for work, no joke, and as someone who works full time as a tech nerd now, found this to be totally hilarious. That’s just me and the legions of hot boys I have working as my minions hard at work manning the online store. What?

It’s actually for a funny photoshop contest over at Gizmodo to create sexy ads for techie products. I think it does a great job of showing how hilarious some marketing is now with it’s use of the idea “sex sells” for just about ANYTHING.

I had planned to go on a long ride and possible run this evening but as the thunder shakes the house it looks like I’ll be spending the evening inside. I’m going to make myself do some serious stretching and possibly some yoga. My body is sore and still adjusting. I kind of went from zero to heavy training in a matter of 3 days so I think some careful stretching is in order to help prevent any injury.

I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of what it looks like outside. It’s as though the air is tinted rose. It’s as if my skin would be splashed pale pink if I were to step outside. It’s so beautiful.

So today was my first day off in conjunction with the new job schedule. I’m working around 40 hrs a week and making a bit more than I was at my previous job where I worked about 60 hrs a week. I think it’s a good trade-off for me at this point.

I woke up to a phone call and joined Dalice for breakfast at her all time favorite place, Teri’s. It’s amazing, no nonsense, absolutely tasty relaxed (and stupid affordable) eating in the Italian Market and I suggest it to everyone. Afterwards we joined Miss Sara May at Hawthorne Yoga. It’s a pay what you wish yoga studio in South Philadelphia—amazing. Today we did Vinyasa. I haven’t done yoga in years and was concerned with my twice operated on wrist but am happy to report that I was able to adjust and managed to put a lot more stress on the wrist than I had ever expected.

There were seven of us in the class. It was intimate, comfortable, beginner-friendly and still a challenge. I managed to get myself into a rather tall shoulder stand and have to say that was my favorite moment of the class. The instructor talked about the benefits of the pose and how it helps to clear the gunk out of our bodies by taking the stress off of our lower half. I could literally feel the toxins traveling out of my tired feet and legs and oooooooozing out my ears. I know it sounds goofy but it’s exactly how it felt.
I rounded out my afternoon with a protein shake and some dried mango from Essene and then did something I haven’t done in ages. I laid on my bed in the middle of the day and watched 2 hours of television on Hulu and did it without feeling guilty. It was really nice.
I just got back from a 40 minute run. I covered approximately 5 miles and whoa nelly it was a struggle at times but overall felt pretty good considering the humidity. Every step brings me closer to the 1/2 marathon at the end of September.

After a snoopy neighbor moment with Jay about twenty minutes ago—We watched his neighbors’ house get stormed by like 10 police and take one person out in handcuffs— I think it’s time for a shower. I’m gross. But I feel amazing.

More running and yoga in the morning and then who knows. I mean, I have another day off. What a beautiful thing.

Lately it’s as though the brakes have been thrown on and I’m sitting on the tracks waiting for someone to place more coal in the belly of the engine.

I’ve decided I’m staying in Philadelphia for a year. Planning to leave for Brazil in the fall of 2010 instead of 2009. I’ve been offered a great managerial position that offers benefits and salary pay. It’s nothing to bat an eye at in this economy. Plus, I’m vested in the company and in the projects we’re working on. It certainly helps. But I must admit it feels a bit like I’m throwing in the towel. I know it’s the smart choice, it’s the mature decision but I’m still having a hard time swallowing the pill.

I’m exhausted. Maybe that is part of it. I’m also feeling incredibly lonely. That doesn’t seem to help things.

In due time it will balance out. I know this, I’m just having a harder time than usual of convincing myself of it’s truth.

I have found myself wavering between these two extremes quite frequently the past few weeks. I’d like to take a moment to suss out my life on these terms but first an example of the mundane in-between as told through the story of  a patron we saw in the lobby of the theatre last night.

The woman was drinking, quite freely, from an airplane-sized plastic bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel. Now I can tell you a few things, a) we do not sell small bottles of wine at the theatre but rather pour glasses and b) the small bottles that are provided in our private lounge are glass and by Bella Sera. So keeping this in mind, clearly the woman brought the mini-wine with her to the performance. Now, this is not to say that I condemn her for going the route of BYOB to a theatre performance but rather that she stopped halfway. She just didn’t quite get on one side (class) or the other (sass) which left her in the realm of trash. She went mediocre. The classy thing to do would be to either purchase a drink from the bar, purchase drinks prior to the performance at a different location or not drink at all and the sassy option would have been, obviously, to bring a flask. Go big or go home honey, I mean if you’re sneaking booze in, at least have the common courtesy to be sassy about it.

Now onto my life. Since I’m not in the mood to explain, I think I’ll just make a list.

Class:

Working like a madwoman, staying in to drink red wine and play guitar, reading worksheets and doing homework, visiting a senior citizen who can’t leave her home in the cold, pencil skirts, high waisted dress pants, Shostakovich, trench coats, a super clean room, fresh flowers and happily watered house plants, carefully lined eye-lids, homemade avocado-strawberry-blueberry-mango smoothies, well-thought-out-rebuttals, napping when required

Sass:

Consuming Jack/Jim/Jameson in a single night, wood-heeled motorcycle boots, kissing a gentleman 20 years my senior, saying “why not?” and meaning it, zebra print jackets, four-inch heels, ZZ-Top mornings, bike rides in skirts, Ray-Ban aviators, red-colored-hair, plunging necklines, carefully timed winking, black coffee and tea, Bob-Dylan-like fedoras and red leather jackets, unapologetic late-night propositioning

On a side note, my housemate and I are on a tour of South Philadelphia bars. The one thing we seem to keep constant is the consumption of at least 1 shot of Irish whiskey. I guess this is what accounts for all the sassiness…

This is a Himalayan, my new vet thinks Elliott is a Himalayan and domestic long hair mix---finally after 4 years an educated guess to his breed

My kitty is sick. Sir Elliott J. Daniels wasn’t so happy last night.  He was lethargic, couldn’t go potty and wouldn’t let me touch him.  This morning I woke up to him vomiting and whining terribly. 

Turns out the little guy has crystals in his urinary tract. They build up sometimes in boy kitties and block them up making it impossible for them to go potty.

He’s currently at the vet where he is sedated, has a catheter, pain meds, muscle relaxers—the works. And let me just say that “the works” are not cheap and he is a lucky kitty in that he’s my family since I’m not a mommy to a human yet.

It made me take a hard look at priorities and what happens when you might not be financially equipped to help a pet or someone whom you love. I looked at the bill when they laid it on the table and I felt a catch in my throat.

Could I possibly pay for the treatments that they were telling me had to happen? Could emergency animal care REALLY cost as much as this?

Thankfully there was a payment option that involves no interest if I pay it off within 12 months but it really did get me to thinking.

What would I do if it were too much of a financial burden?

What could I cut from my life in order to pay for his treatment? Do I postpone my plans for online ESL courses and moving out of the country this fall? Do I cancel my vacation next week (the one I’ve been pining after for 2 years)?

How do you decide when too much is too much to pay for pet care?

These are tough questions. I love my cat but I also understand that he is an animal and he gets sick I need to keep things in perspective.  Oftentimes people get caught up but the reality of the situation is they aren’t humans. They are amazing companions but much like any human being who is fighting a terrible ailment, sometimes it is more loving to not try every drug or treatment, sometimes it is just time to say thank you for the loyalty and the love and let go.

Thankfully it wasn’t that time for me and Elliott. He should be coming home Saturday if all goes well.

Living the Mac Life

It’s been a busy two weeks.  I started a second part-time job on top of my 6-day-a-week gig at the theatre and somewhere along the way caught a really nasty cold that’s left me minus a voice, my sanity or sleep.  The good news is the new job is going great and as of today I’m finally getting some sleep and the cold is on it’s way out the door.

So the DL on my new job is that it isn’t a new place (Springboard Media) but it is a new position (consultant/assistant to the Director of Program Development).  I’m working my tail off right now to help with the launching of our new online store. It’s tedious and time consuming work.  I had no idea until now what it takes to get an online store up and running but let me just say, it’s a lot!  But I’m not complaining. I’m working hard, I get along great with my new boss and I really feel like I’m contributing to the bettering of this locally-owned and operated company, a company that has been a part of my life since I came to Philadelphia.

Also, did I mention I’m getting a new laptop?! Well, it’s new to me at least. As of Friday I will be the proud owner of a used MacBook Pro. I’m really excited about it. Additionally, I am purchasing a ticket to Florida. I’ll be flying out March 3 to visit my lovely Aunt Suz in the Sunshine State and I’ll be there for 5 days. My oldest brother, his wife and their four-year-old daughter will be there as well and we’re going to Disney!

Lets just say, all of that makes these next two weeks without a day off TOTALLY worth it!